Inopportune Moments
by ilazbotron
Summary: Just a series of drabbly-things written by me and my friend HannahHarkness, based on this drawing. When he saw her naked he...  Rated T for well, River.
1. An Unexpected Trip

_**Authors****' ****Note:** Hello, there! Hurr hurr. So, this fanfic is written by me and a friend, HannahHarkness. Please review and let us know what you think!_

_This is going to be a collection of drabbly-things, based on a silly picture I drew._

_**Warning:** Well, it's rated T for a reason. (this disclaimer goes for all the chapters.)_

_**Disclaimer:** None of the characters belong to either of us. We're just borrowing them, then putting them back in their box._

Inopportune Moments

Chapter 1: The Unexpected Trip.

"Sweetie, please. It's our wedding night!" said River, raising her eyebrow. "What do you think we should be doing?"

The Doctor looked at her, unsure. "Um, well, I...have Scrabble...um..._oh_!" he said, getting it. "That. Well, River, dear...that's, well...I-"

He was cut off by River planting her lips on his.

At first, he wasn't really sure if society's accepted behaviour for wedding nights was going to work out for him, being 1103 and all. However, as River ripped off his jacket and threw it aside, he decided that perhaps society had the right idea, after all.

"River?" he mumbled through their mouths. "Shouldn't we...um, you know, go somewhere that's not, you know, the console room?"

She smiled. "Oh, stop being such a wuss, Doctor. Now shut up and kiss me like a real Time Lord."

Pushing him against the console, she proceeded to pull off his suspenders and, one hand in his hair, began to unbutton his shirt. Not entirely sure how to play the situation, the Doctor awkwardly grabbed her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her neck.

The two of them were far too interested in each other to notice that the TARDIS itself was actually (accidentally) in flight. Neither did they notice when it landed, even though the brakes had been left on.

Amy, lying next to Rory on their lounge, sat up.

"What? What is it?" said Rory.

Amy looked at him excitedly. "TARDIS!" she said with a childish grin on her face, getting up to grab her coat and run outside.

Out in their garden, the TARDIS had parked itself half on a flowerbed, half on the lawn.

"Bit of a dodgy landing. And where's the Doctor?" said Rory, trying to zip up his parka. "This zipper…"

Amy went to knock on the door, but stopped. "It's open!" she said, turning to Rory and giving him a 'do-you-think-I-should?' look. Rory shrugged and nodded.

Amy pulled open the door like a child opening a Christmas present.

The 'present' inside was definitely not what she had expected.

"JUST YOU HOLD ON THERE A MINUTE!" she yelled.

"That's _my_ daughter you're canoodling with, sir!" Rory added, appearing at Amy's side, although looking far more disturbed.

The Doctor, suspenders off, shirt unbuttoned and hair dishevelled, looked up, realised what was going on, looked at River and stepped back, blushing a deep red. Well, he tried to step back. River had handcuffed him to the console, so he stood awkwardly, River's leg wrapped around his.

Rory ran over and covered the Doctor's eyes with his hand.

"River, darling. Put your clothes on." said the Doctor. "Your parents are here."

Rory scowled at him (not that he could see).

Amy forced River, who was minimally clothed, into her jacket. "There, dear. Now, explain yourselves."

River, now blushing as well, said indignantly, "Mother! We're grown adults, more grown than you! Please! Don't tell me off! Daddy, take your hand off the Doctor's eyes. Go back inside. We'll...be out...in a minute."

Rory looked embarrassedly at the floor. "I'll just, go...make some tea."

After looking sternly into the Doctor's eyes and shaking her head, Amy left.

River and the Doctor were left in the TARDIS.

"Hey, you know what? We could just leave, and that would save us from having to go inside, right!" the Doctor said as he buttoned up his shirt with one hand. After unlocking his handcuffs, River stepped closer to him and started to tie his bowtie.

"You know, my love, we'll still have to face them, someday. You're just scared of your mother in law." she taunted.

"Am not!" said the Doctor as River left the TARDIS, smiling coyly at him. "Well, can we finish this later?" he said, jangling the handcuffs.


	2. Shower Dance

_**Authors****' ****Note:** Hello, again! Hope you enjoy this chapter!_

_**Disclaimer:** None of the characters are ours, sadly._

Inopportune Moments

Chapter 2: Shower Dance

"River?" called the Doctor, knocking on the bathroom door. "River, dear, are you done?"

There wasn't a response.

"River! If you're just doing this to annoy me, then you won, because I really need to wash the mud out of my hair!" he whined. The planet they'd visited was popular for organisms that thrived in waist-deep mud. Of course the TARDIS knew that, but the Doctor didn't and in the end, well, the TARDIS picked where it wanted to go.

The Doctor crossed his arms petulantly, tapping his hairbrush against his wrist.

River was towelling her hair dry. Well, towelling her hair dry enough so that it didn't create pools of water wherever she stood. "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, damn right, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge…" she sang to herself. The combination of singing to herself and the towel covering her ears meant that she didn't hear the Doctor knocking or complaining…

"Alright, River, that's it, I'm coming in. My hair is more important than yours!" said the Doctor as he opened the door.

... and was therefore very surprised when he walked into the room.

The Doctor dropped his hairbrush and covered his eyes with his hands. "I'm sorry, I thought, you...uh, you, were...you know, uh, dressed." he said, turning around to leave and bumping into the wall.

He stumbled back and fell over on the bathmat.

River (having dropped her towel by accident when he came in), was laughing at her awkward little Doctor.

She put the towel on and went over. "Sweetie, you can open your eyes, really it's fine."

"Umm, are you wearing a towel...or clothes or...a perception filter?" asked the Doctor, blushing furiously.

River smiled and took one of his hands off his eye. "Look. See? Towel."

Cautiously he took the other hand off his eye.

River picked up his hairbrush and handed it to him. "Go, wash your silly hair. Honestly, for a nine-hundred year old, you act like a toddler."

The Doctor stood awkwardly while she collected up her clothes and left.

Just when he thought that she wasn't going to come back in (so it was safe to get in the shower) she opened the door.

"And, really, sweetie, let's not pretend that you didn't enjoy the view, ok?" she said, winking at him.


	3. All Tied Up

_**Authors****' ****Note:** So this is kind of a short chapter. Most of it is, well, left to the imagination, ha ha. Enjoy C:_

_**Disclaimer:** Not our characters! *shakes fist* Moffat!_

Inopportune Moments

Chapter 3: All Tied Up

The Doctor lurched forward as River grabbed him by his bow tie and pulled him towards her.

"Hey, I do happen to _like_ that particular bowtie, you know!" he said, putting his hand on top of hers.

"Don't worry sweetie, it'll be fine," River said before stopping his next sentence with her mouth. Her fingers nimbly undid the bow tie and then stuffed it in the pocket of her baggy shirt. She pushed him up against the TARDIS and opened the door with her free hand.

"Stay here." River said in a rather dominating voice, that the Doctor liked _very_much. She turned and disappeared down a corridor.

"Where are you going?" The question came out rather croakily…it was a long time since the Doctor had been kissed like that. His mouth felt as though it was on fire. In a strangely good, nice way.

He lifted his hand to his lips, trying to capture the last moments of their kiss.

Five minutes later his question was answered by River appearing once again in the console room.

His jaw dropped.

Dozens of possible things to say flowed through his mind and...well, other parts, but the only words that would form in his mouth were, "Now _that's_ an inventive use for a bow tie."


	4. Oh, I Do Like Custard

_**Authors****' ****Note:** Best Whovian pick up line: Would you like some fish fingers in that custard?_

…_That pretty much sums up this chapter._

_**Disclaimer:** Still own nothing. Except for the custard. Yum, custard._

**Inopportune Moments**

**Chapter 4: Oh, I Do Like Custard.**

The Doctor was sitting on his swing, fixing some cable that controlled some wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey switch that he had a feeling was important for something, when he heard a loud crash from the kitchen.

He sat up suddenly and rose to his feet.

Doing what he did best, he ran to the kitchen.

"River? Was that you? Did you break my TARDIS?" he said, bursting through the kitchen door.

He was confronted with River, covered in thick gloop.

"It's not what it looks like, sweetie." she said, giving him a coy smile.

"Why, what does it look like?" asked the all-too innocent Doctor.

"Wait...is that custard?" he added, upon seeing the gloop was yellow and smelled delicious.

_I __just __want __to __lick __it __all __up, __but __that's __wrong_, he told himself. _It's __all __over __River. __You __don__'__t __lick __custard __off __people, __even __if __you __are __an __ancient __Time __Lord._

"Yes, I know. It's your favourite dessert treat," River said, her voice thick with innuendo.

She was still smiling coyly, and her eyes had a strange look in them that the Doctor couldn't quite pick out.

"Well, yes, River, I do like custard, in fact, I love custard. But, only with a fish finger or two in it." said the Doctor, raising his eyebrows like a confused puppy.

_He __still __doesn't __get __it. _thought River. _Looks __like __I'm __going __to __have __to __spell __it __out._

She moved towards him so that the space between them was mere centimetres.

"I'm sure we can see to that, sweetie."

"River, I'm not sure what you -"

He was cut off by River's custardy lips capturing his own. Not to mention the delicious taste of custard on her tongue.

One of River's hands weaved into his beautiful hair, while the other threw the sonic screwdriver in his hand to the ground, allowing him to gently caress her waist.

Her free hand went to pull off his jacket but the Doctor stopped it and brought River's long fingers up to his mouth.

River pulled away in surprise and was greeted by the Doctor's childish grin. His tongue darted out and gently traced over her hand, removing every last molecule of custard.

"Oh, I definitely do like custard with my dessert," said the Doctor, finally realising what River was getting at.

He pulled her close. Suddenly, custard held a new, delicious appeal to it.


	5. The Clothing Dilemma

_**Authors****' ****Notes:** An absolutely supermassive thankyou to everybody reading this! You guys are great! And thanks to you who reviewed as well, they have been brilliantly lovely!_

_**Disclaimer:** Don't own the characters. Even though we wish we did._

**Inopportune Moments**

**Chapter 5: The Clothing Dilemma (I'm Making A Habit Of This)**

The Doctor was skipping through the TARDIS happily, fingers threaded through his suspenders.

_Today's __a __lovely __day!_ he thought. _I'm __going __to __change __my __bow tie, __and __then __I __think __we'll __go __see __that __brilliant __planet __with __the __endless __forest...what's __it __called? __Never __mind. __Bowties __are __the __issue __of __the __hour. __Hmmm...bowties...blue __or __red? __Polka-__dots?_

Without knocking he opened the door to his (and now River's) bedroom.

River had gotten up only a few minutes earlier.

_What __in __the __Time __Vortex __should __I __wear?_ she thought. _I __suddenly __have __so __many __clothes! __Silly __TARDIS._

The TARDIS had increased dramatically the size of her wardrobe in an attempt to show how excited she was to have Time Lords (_especially __a __pair __of __lovely, __brilliant __Time __Lords_, thought the TARDIS to herself as she watched River look puzzled. _It's __almost __like __being __back __in __time!_) living in her again.

She was just about to get dressed when the door opened behind her.

There was a loud 'ZAP!' and the Doctor ducked, curling himself up in a self-defensive ball on the floor.

When he was sure that River wasn't going to try to shoot him again, he stood up and looked at the doorway. There was a neat laser-burned circle exactly just over where his head was.

"River! You could have shot me!" he said, turning to face her, and instantly covering his eyes with his hands.

For River was standing across the room, back to him. She'd evidently fired without looking. _Which __is __impressive,_thought the Doctor_, __but __I'd __prefer __if __she __tried __to __shoot __me __with __some __form __of __clothing __on. __Although, __knowing __River, __she __didn't __mean __to __hit __me, __or __she'd __have __hit __me._

Because River was standing there, completely naked.

_Why __does __she __have __to __do __that?_ he thought. _Can __she __not __just...put __a __sign __on __the __door? __Or __never __take __her __clothes __off. __Seriously, __first __the __bathroom __thing __on __Monday, __and __now __this. __She __might __begin __to __think __I'm __doing __it __on __purpose._

Not that he _really_ minded the whole naked River thing.

River put the gun down on the bed and turned around.

"Shoot you? No, I've been there, done that, and let's face it, sweetie, it really wasn't all that great an experience, now was it?" she said, smiling at the Doctor, who was peeking between his fingers.

"Oh, River. I'm sorry...I didn't, I mean...you know I.." he said, still not taking his hands away from his eyes. "But, yes. I mean, let's give the space-time continum a rest, eh?"

He smiled behind his fingers at the thought of River standing on top of that ancient pyramid, hair blowing in the fierce wind, being insufferably, intolerably stubborn in a typical Pond-ish way, eyes bright with tears and an emotion part way between despair and love. It was a completely perfect look. Although, River tended to look perfect quite a significant amount of the time.

"Darling, are you just going to stand there like that all day?" said River. He could practically hear the raised eyebrows.

He cautiously took his hands off his eyes.

Sure enough, River was standing there (still not in any clothes, he noted appreciatively), with raised eyebrows, hands on hips.

"I'll just...I mean, there's some custard in the kitchen...I'll just...go...and, uh, eat it. Sorry." he said, blushing.

River was still looking disapprovingly at him.

"Well, if you're here. You may as well help me decide what to wear. The TARDIS has just given me several lifetimes worth of clothes."

As an afterthought she added, "Thanks, dear."

Before she turned to the wardrobe she stopped and looked at the Doctor, who was focusing very hard on her face, trying not to look her up and down. "You know, dear, you really have to get better at knowing when not to come into a room. One might think that you're doing it on purpose!" she said, winking slyly at him, before turning to the wardrobe and rifling through the endless racks of clothing.

_Oh, __no!_thought the Doctor. _Clothes! __I __knew __our __relationship __would __come __to __this, __but __oh, __by __the __Gallifreyan __suns, __not __this __soon! __I __wanted __to __spend __a __little __more __time __enjoying __this __regeneration __before __it __was __incinerated __in __the __angry __stare __of __a __furious __woman!_

He sighed.

_I have a very, very bad feeling about this!_

"Well?" said River, holding a dress up and swishing the skirt back and forth.

The Doctor was at a loss. Aliens he could deal with, lost moons were no problem, the Daleks? A piece of cake! But clothes?

_Give __me __a __bowtie, __some __suspenders, __and __a __fez __and __I'm __set._ he thought. _Perhaps __if __I __just __nod __and __look __like __I __know __what __I'm __doing..._

Two dresses later he was already bored. And his neck hurt from the head nodding.

"You know, River dear?" he said, unsure if he should say what he wanted to say. _Considering __you're __halfway __through __the __sentence, __you're __going __to __have __to __say __it. __For __a __1103-year-old __Time __Lord, __you __certainly __need __to __develop __the __ability __to __think __before __you __open __your __ridiculously __handsome __mouth._

"Yes, sweetie?" said River, surprised that he was saying anything at all.

"I really think...I mean, I think you...you look just fine not wearing anything."

He paused, gaging the response from River.

_Considering __that __she's __not __edging __towards __the __gun, __in __fact __if __anything __she's __coming __over __here __I'd __say __that __it's __going __pretty __well...oh, __my __bow tie. __Please, __don't __let __anything __happen __to __my __beautiful __bow tie! _he thought as River removed his suspenders.

(added Authors' Note: to every one who read this before it got fixed up...SORRY! when the italics were uploaded the spaces were all like "No, we're too cool for this story.")


	6. All Dressed Up

_**Authors****' ****Note:** Hello, again. Thank you so much to all the cool people reading this. This chapter's pretty long, hoorah!_

_**Disclaimer:** We don't own the characters, or their clothes or lack thereof._

**Inopportune Moments**

**All Dress-ed Up**

River and the Doctor were in the console room, debating over whether to go to a museum or a planet next (River strongly advocated for the planet), when the TARDIS phone rang.

"Hello?" said the Doctor, leaning against the console in an attempt to stop River seizing the controls.

"Doctor?" said Jack through the phone.

"Harkness? Hello, Jack! What can I do for you?" the Doctor said, slapping River's hands away from the console.

"Doctor? Did you regenerate since I saw you last?" said Jack, grinning with delight at the thought of a shiny new Doctor.

"Well, yes. So, why are you calling?" said the Doctor, pulling River into his lap. Placing the receiver on his shoulder he said quickly, "River, stop trying to win the argument already! We'll continue the debate when I've finished on the phone…"River raised an eyebrow and sighed, fiddling with the Doctor's suspender strap.

He glared half-heartedly at her before putting the phone back to his ear."…and we'd really like you and a plus-one, that's if you've got a plus one, to come." Jack was saying.

"Jack?" said the Doctor, trying very hard to concentrate, considering River was now playing with his bowtie. "I'm sorry, can you…repeat from the beginning please?"

It really was very hard to concentrate with River gently running her fingers across his jaw. He squiggled away from her touch and concentrated intensely on the phone.

He could hear Jack sigh. "Okay, well, you know how I'm working in Torchwood right? In Cardiff? 21st century Earth?"

"Yeah? You don't need my help, do you?" said the Doctor, unwilling to give in to his request because that would mean that River would have won their argument.

Thankfully River had stopped touching his face and seemed to be content for the moment to try and work out what was happening on the phone.

"Well, not in a fighting aliens way. But there's this lovely Welsh man that I work with…and well, long story short, we're getting married on Sunday, and we want you to be my best man….actually, I want you to be my best man, he doesn't have a say. He'll be fine with it. So, are you coming or not?"

The Doctor thought about it.

"You know, if you don't have a date or anything, there are lots of lovely…species…coming. As enticement, Doctor dearest." said Jack.

The Doctor could practically hear him winking down the phone. River looked at the Doctor, smiling.

She'd been listening into the call and decided that this Jack, or whoever he was, that they were going to his wedding. She'd been to weddings with the Doctor, in his future, and they were brilliant fun.

"Oh, sweetie, let's. It'll be fun. Just think, there'll be dancing!"

The Doctor's eyes brightened. _Dancing! __I __didn't __think __about __the __dancing__…_he thought. _We __simply __have __to __go! Never mind the best man thing...dancing!_

"And, sweetie, you can't turn down the offer to be the best man! You simply can't."

The Doctor gave River a look that said 'I concede.'

"Alright, Jack, we'll come. When you say Sunday, you mean Sunday the…."

"Sunday the 16th of April, 2011…'We'll come'? You mean, you have a date? Oh, Doctor, you sly old Time Lord!" said Jack, practically rubbing his hands with glee.

Across the room Ianto frowned and mouthed "Just remember that we're getting married, Jack. Us two."

Jack winked at him and went back to his call. "Alright, then Doctor, I'll be seeing you then."

"Good. Fine. Excellent." said the Doctor, and was about to hang up when Jack continued.

"And Doctor, there's a theme."

_Oh, __Gallifrey. __Not __a __themed __wedding. __And __it__'__s __Jack. __This __can __only __be __bad._ thought the Doctor, already regretting his decision to come.

Last time he'd been to a themed anything it hadn't boded well. Not only had he been followed around by a pack of women (and men) all night, for reasons he couldn't discern, the hotpants had left his legs very cold in the night air.

"What's the theme?" he said cautiously.

"Well, men go in women's clothing and women go in men's clothing. I suppose it's called cross dressing."

The Doctor scrunched up his face. River's eyes gleamed at the prospect of dressing the Doctor up in a dress.

"Does the…theme….apply to you, Jack?" said the Doctor. If it didn't, he wasn't going.

_There's no way I'd make a fool of myself by wearing a dress in front of Jack if he isn't going to look equally ridiculous. Although, it's Jack, so he won't look ridiculous, save for ridiculously handsome._

"Yes. I'm going in a dress and Ianto's wearing my suit." Said Jack. "Well, I've got to go. We're getting flowers organised. See you Sunday, Doctor! And don't you forget the theme!" said Jack happily. The Doctor could hear Ianto, if that's what his name was, in the background saying something about pink flowers and purple balloons.

"Okay. Bye, Harkness. I'll see you on Sunday."

The Doctor hung up and took a deep breath.

_A themed wedding! I agreed to attend a themed wedding! Not just any themed wedding, Jack's themed wedding! Oh, Doctor, what were you thinking? I'm going to have to wear a dress! Ohhh…_

"So, Doctor, let's get ready!" said River, already thinking of dresses that the Doctor could wear.

"No, River, I don't want to. Me, in a dress? I don't think so." he said, folding his arms and wrinkling his nose.

"Well, sweetie, you could carry it off. You are certainly very…effeminate." said River, giving him a cheeky wink and, taking his arm in hers, led him to their bedroom.

"Now, Doctor, you can wear any one of these, I think they'll fit. The TARDIS has certainly accepted the challenge of finding you a dress in her infinite wardrobe," River said, holding up a dress to him and turning him side to side. "In fact, I think she's rather enjoying the prospect of seeing you in a dress."

The Doctor looked at River defeatedly. "Well, I don't know the first thing about dresses or anything…but considering I have to wear it…I like this one," he said shyly, picking up a floor-length black dress with silky see-through puff sleeves.

River raised her eyebrow slyly. "Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Now. Come on, off with your clothes and on with that dress!" she said, crossing her arms and staring expectantly at the bewildered Doctor.

"What, you mean right now? With you right here…okay." he said, as River gave him her 'shut up and take off your clothes, Time Lord' look.

The Doctor was in his underwear, holding the dress at arms length and thoroughly confused. "River?"

"Yes, sweetie?" said River. _I __can__'__t __wait __until __he__'__s __got __the __dress __on __so __I __can __rip __it __off __with __my __teeth,_ she thought.

The Doctor was going to ask for help putting on the dress, _but, __really, __this __is __embarrassing __enough. __By __the __Time __Vortex, __I __don__'__t __understand __how __this __works! __Um, __maybe __if __I __put __my __head __through __here? __No. __Oh, __ow!__It__'__s __pulling __on __my __hair! __Is __this __thing __sentient? __I __think __it__'__s __trying __to __strangle __me!_

All dignity now thoroughly lost, the Doctor turned to River, a tangle of fabric, and blushing fire-engine red, asked, "Can you help me? I don't…I've never…why is it so complicated and there's fabric everywhere!" he said, his head through one of the armholes and zip caught in his hair.

River grinned coyly and helped him into the dress.

A few minutes later the Doctor was in his dress and River was in her suit, well, her shirt and pants. She was too busy helping the Doctor.

"You would make a pathetic woman. Just you remember that for your future regenerations, you." she said, scuffling under the bed looking for a pair of shiny red high heels.

The Doctor, who was sitting on the side of the bed, swinging his ankles together, replied, "Well, I've been a woman, and frankly, I wasn't much good at the whole female makeup clothing shoes thing. Oh, no. River? I can't. I can't wear those. I can't."

For River was holding up a pair of shiny red high heels.

_High __being __the __operative __word,_ he thought. _If __the __dress __wasn__'__t __bad __enough, __now __she__'__s __going __to __force __me __into __makeup __and __heels?_

_Oh, this is an evening I cannot see ending well. No, no no._

But by a combination of River's glare and a kind of strange excited anticipation of what he'd look like, in ten minutes the two of them were standing in front of the floor-length mirror in the corner of their bedroom. River was turning side to side, admiring her suit, complete with top hat, waistcoat, tails, bowtie and converse. Well, she hadn't put on the bowtie yet. The Doctor had said that if she was going to force him into makeup then the least he could do was tie her bowtie.

The Doctor, however, was currently admiring his dress. "You know, it's kind of comfortable. This makeup is a bit…extreme, though. Do you really think I needed this shade of red?" he said, staring at his lips' reflection.

"Yes, sweetie, it helps to balance out your eye makeup. I told you this. Now, remember not to rub your eyes, or it'll smudge and you'll look like an intergalactic cross-dressing panda bear." she said, motioning for him to put on her bowtie.

Obliging, he gently wrapped it around her neck. "You know, I think I like my hair curled like this. It feels so…bouncy!" he said, smiling and nodding his head so that his ringlets bobbed.

River looked at his handsomely made up face, so very close to hers. "Oh, Doctor. You are completely, utterly mental." she said, pulling him close and kissing him on the lips.

At the wedding reception Jack wove through the crowd of aliens and humans, searching for this new Doctor. He'd been there during the ceremony, of course, but a new face and women's clothing didn't help to find him. During the ceremony he really only had eyes for the handsome Welshman standing opposite him.

_And __I __really __want __to __see __this '__date' __he__'__s __brought __along, __too. _he thought. _They__'__re __probably __human, __but __nevertheless__…h__e does have __quite __good __taste._

Across the room Ianto's family were bunched together around a little table, looking very concerned about this strange ruffian in a dress he'd married and drinking heavily.

A man wearing red high heels and a very nice black dress was twirling around a woman wearing a suit and tails. As he walked past he could hear him say "Dance? River, dear. I am over nine hundred years old. Of course I can dance!"

He stopped and turned. "Doctor?" he said, a smile growing around the edge of his mouth.

The Doctor turned to him. "Jack! There you are! Great party here. I love the dancing! Nice dress, by the way," he said, looking Jack's white lace-and-tulle monstrosity up and down. "Very nice."

"Oh, Doctor! It's so good to see you!" said Jack, pulling him into a hug. "And I love the heels, by the way," Jack said, turning to get Ianto's attention. River gave the Doctor an 'I told you so' look. "Just a minute. Let me get Ianto. He's dying to meet you, Doctor!"

River turned to the Doctor. "You didn't tell me he was that handsome! Wow. Now that is a man who can get away with wearing whatever he wants, sweetie!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "You have no idea, no idea."

Jack returned with Ianto in tow. "Ianto, this is the Doctor. Doctor, this is Ianto." And turning to River he said, "And who, may I ask, is this?"

"River. River Song. It's a pleasure to meet you, Jack." River said, shaking his proffered hand.

The Doctor gave Jack a warning glance.

Ianto raised his eyebrows at Jack. "Jack? We're married. You can't go flirting with everyone now."

"Oh, I don't think that's going to stop him, Ianto." said the Doctor, as Jack pulled River onto the dancefloor.

There were quite a few couples on the dancefloor, meaning that Jack and River were pressed relatively close to each other. Tosh, engagement ring glittering on her finger as she spun her grumpy dress-ed up fiancée around, was laughing. Owen, the grumpy dress-ed up fiancée, was grumbling about needing a drink but being unable to have one, but only half-heartedly as Tosh looked so beautiful in her suit.

Gwen was roaming the edge of the dancefloor, looking for species that were available as partners, occasionally taking a glass of champagne from the waiters and draining it.

"So, River. River Song. That's a lovely name," said Jack. "Where'd you get it?"

He spun her around before pulling her close again.

"Well, it's a very long and complicated story, Captain Harkness. My name was Melody Pond, but really, that was a loooong time ago. So I…changed it to River. I like it, and the Doctor likes it, and my parents don't really care, they spend most of the time around me being bewildered, so hey, who cares, right?"

Jack nodded his head in agreement.

"So, where did you get your name, Jack? I know it's not your real name."

Jack looked taken aback. "I didn't tell you that. I don't tell anyone that. Ever…well," he said, looking at Tosh, "I don't tell people casually. Ianto doesn't even know."

"Oh, please. I'm a time traveller on leave from a prison. You think I can't spot a con-man when I see one?" said River, smiling gently.

"Reformed. Oh, a jail? He found you in a jail! Wow, that new regeneration really did change him!" said Jack, winking at the Doctor, who was sitting at a table with Ianto, both of them watching their partners like hawks.

The Doctor frowned worriedly and looked warningly at River, who smiled at him. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

"So, anyway, you and the Doctor?" said Jack, raising his eyebrows at River, who grinned back.

"It's a complicated story, and he doesn't know most of it." she replied, and was about to continue, but broke off when she noticed Jack looking strangely at her.

"What? What is it? Is something wrong?" she said, slightly worried.

"No, no, it's just, is that…red lipstick on your neck?" Jack said, looking suspiciously at River, who was blushing furiously, and then at the Doctor, who was drinking something with lips the same colour. "Oh, I think I know what happened there." Glancing at the Doctor he said, "Well, he does look extraordinarily attractive in that dress, hey?"

The Doctor, who was watching the two of them, raised his eyebrows so high that they were in danger of disappearing into his curled hair.

"Oh, he's getting jealous. Excuse me." River said, still embarrassedly red.

River went over and pulled the Doctor onto the dancefloor. As Jack went over and sat on Ianto's lap, he could hear her say, "But you told me nobody would see the lipstick on my neck!"

Hours later, the Doctor and River left Jack and his charming Ianto to their Retconning of the family members, and said goodbye to Tosh and Owen, who were helping out. Owen was complaining weakly about the kimono he was wearing tripping him up, and Tosh just laughed and kissed him on the mouth to shut him up. Gwen was drunkenly glued at the lips to an alien with more heads than common sense, and everyone ignored her.

As the TARDIS door swung shut, the Doctor groaned and hung the high heels on a console lever.

"I don't ever want to spend a night wearing those heels again," he complained. "I'm certain that my feet are damaged for my next few regenerations. Are they?" he said, looking at River, who tapped her nose and said, "Spoilers!"

He went off to clean as much remaining makeup off as possible, whilst River sat and massaged her aching feet. _I__'__m __sure __that __dancing __for __4 __hours __straight __is __not __going __to __feel __good __tomorrow__…_she thought.

The Doctor appeared in the doorway, face now relatively clean, but lips still crimson. "River, dear, how do you get this stuff off? Is it tattooed onto my lips or something?"

River grinned. "Oh, Doctor, you'll just have to wait for it to fade, it won't come off no matter how much you rub it."

He made a 'hmph!' noise and asked if she could help unzip the dress, as he didn't want to break it. River was already out of her tails and he reached for her tantalising suspenders as she pulled the dress off.

"Hmm, I quite like this dress," she said. "Mind if I keep it?"

The Doctor shrugged. He didn't even care that he wasn't wearing anything but his underwear, again. "I'm not going to be wearing it again. Well, not this regeneration anyway. Well, not in the near future. Well…like I said, you can keep it."

"Good." said River, smiling as she hung it on the door of their wardrobe.

She turned around. "It looked quite good on you, sweetie."

"Thankyou, dear."

She nodded acknowledging-ly at him.

"River?" said the Doctor, pulling her close and beginning to untie her bowtie. "You know, to tell you the truth, that suit…looks absolutely terrible on you," he said, throwing the bowtie aside and starting to unbutton her shirt. "I think I'm going to have to remove it as soon as possible."

_**Authors' Notes-Part Two!:**_

_So yes. Just a few things not at the beginning in case they ruined the chapter. So here they are._

_Firstly, if anyone was wondering who Ianto's maid of honour was, it was Tosh. (awww). His bridesmaid was Myfanwy. Gwen isn't a bridesmaid because she's fun to bash._

_Second: the Doctor is wearing the dress River is wearing in Time of Angels, the ballgown one? __And very possibly those heels too. How strange, that means they have the same shoe size._

_Third, the wedding and probably reception too, were held in the disused warehouse that Jack and Ianto caught Myfanwy in._


	7. PS, I Love You

_**Authors****' ****Note: **Wow, thankyou so much to all of you who are reading this! Yay! Your reviews have been absolutely lovely, thank you so much! (keep them coming, please C: ) Just a side note, some of the reviewers have their private messaging turned off, we try to reply to all of the reviews-just to say thanks! _

_**Disclaimer: **Don't own them~ (to our misery)._

**Inopportune Moments**

**P.S, I Love You. (sorry about the extreeeeemely cheesy title!)**

The Doctor screwed his face up in concentration as he tried hard to figure out where his bowtie was.

It was a lovely TARDIS blue colour, and River had complimented him on it. That was, before she had torn it off with her teeth.

"I'm _sure_ it landed over here somewhere," the Doctor thought out loud.

He was about to pull out all stops and crawl under the king-sized bed River had developed a liking for- though she probably enjoyed who was in it the best.

Laying on his stomach and scrabbling around beneath the bed, the Doctor could see a small pink square stuck to one of the bed slats.

He flipped on his back so he could see it clearly.

"Hello, sweetie! Try the top drawer." said the note.

_I __should __have __guessed._ he thought.

Something about the note was jumping at him, but he couldn't think what. He concentrated for a while, then realised it was written in Gallifreyan, which was why it seemed very out-of-place for the last of the Time Lords.

_Hmm. __If __she__'__s __going __to __continue __leaving __these __notes, _he thought, _she__'__s __going __to __have __to __improve __her __handwriting._  
>The writing was like a child's, round and slightly messy.<p>

He smiled. It was adorable handwriting.

River was in their bedroom, picking up the clothes that had been thrown aside the previous night.

Her dress, the multiple layered skirts of which had enthralled the curious Doctor ("It never ends!"), lay puddled next to the wall, where he'd thrown it.

She picked it up. As she went to put it in their washing basket, a small TARDIS-blue note drifted gently to the floor from between the folds of her dress.

She put the dress on the bed, interested, and picked the curious little note up.

"Next Halloween party we're invited to, I've got dibs on this!" it said, in the most elegant Gallifreyan script she'd ever seen. _Must __be __the __Doctor,_ she thought, smiling to herself. _Who __else __would __write __a __childishly __playful __note __in __full __elaborate __Circular __Gallifreyan?_

The Doctor could not wait to get into the shower after encountering a large slimy alien with the notion that it was a fantastic idea to give him a bear hug.

He carefully took off his bowtie, which, thankfully, had escaped the slime, and put it into a little box.

Having peeled the rest of his gloopy clothes off, he stepped over to the shower. The shower mat was already covered in the slime, as it was dripping off him in long green strings.

As he reached to turn the tap, a bright pink note stuck to the side of the shower caught his attention. He sighed and peeled it off, about to ignore it and continue his mission to remove himself from the slime.

"Oh, and sweetie, leave the door unlocked. Hint hint." it said, bright pink and in undoubtedly River's handwriting.

He thought about it for a few seconds.

_What on Gallifr-oh…right then._

Squelching over to the door he unlocked it and went back to his shower.

He wasn't surprised when he heard the door open, shut and the lock click a few minutes later.

Lying in bed one morning after having been to a raging party the night before, River blinked sleepily. The Doctor, who didn't sleep, being a 'proper' Time Lord, but who still insisted on sharing a bed when River did, to 'keep her company', wasn't next to her. The covers were thrown back.

_I __really __should __get __up,_ she thought. _But __we__'__re __probably __floating __in __some __obscure __corner __of __the __galaxy, __and __we__'__re __outside __of __time __and __space, __really, __so __will __another __hour __or __two __really __hurt?_

She buried herself in the covers again, on the brink of falling asleep, when she became aware of a pricking sensation in her hair.

Groaning irritatedly, she ran her fingers through her mass of curls, made knotty by a combination of the dancing and sleep (or lack thereof). She felt the edge of what seemed to be a piece of paper, and sighing, she extracted it, tangling her fingers and the paper in her hair.

_If __this __is __some __young __space boy's __phone __number __from __last __night, __I __am __going __to __whoosh u__s over __there __and __get __the __Doctor __to __sort __him __out,_ she thought grumpily.

It turned out to be another one of those bluer-than-blue notes.

Curling up again, she unrolled it and read the graceful scrawl.

"Good morning, sunshine! Now that you're awake, perhaps you'd care to join me for some pancakes and custard?

River grumbled half-heartedly. _I __am __ravenous, __come __to __think __of __it. __And __custard__…__I __can __think __of __so __many __more __things __that __go __with __custard, __not __just __pancakes__…_

She got up and pulled on a jumper, eager to let the Doctor know of all the other things custard was good for.

The Doctor was rifling through his bowties, looking for a suitable one. He was getting dressed to take River somewhere. Although, not knowing where they were going to go, this was proving rather difficult.

He came across a smart-looking red and white striped one. It had another one of those little pink notes he'd come to immediately associate with a certain other Time Lord with clumsily endearing handwriting and a strange appreciation for weaponry.

"My love, put this one on with your suit and come and take me out! Prison food is deplorable, sweetie, you have no idea…" it said.

_She__'__s __not __even __in __the __TARDIS __and __she__'__s __managed __to __sort __out __my __clothing __dilemma! _he thought. _I __am __impressed __indeed._

The TARDIS kitchen was relatively big, compared to other kitchens the Doctor had been in. But even this kitchen only had one refrigerator, and that was where the Doctor was heading, for some custard.

He pulled open the door, scanning the shelves for the bowl of custard he knew was in there.

To his surprise, the bowl had mysteriously disappeared. Grumpy, he was about to close the door when another one of the little pink notes caught his eye, sitting on the shelf in place of the bowl.

"Sorry, sweetie. I've used up all the custard. Do come and find me and I'll show you what I did with it…" the note said. The Doctor could practically hear the wink.

_Well, __it __is __custard. __And __where __there__'__s __custard, __I__'__m __sure __to __appear __sooner __or __later__…_thought the Doctor, a cheeky smile playing with the edges of his lips.

There was a room in the TARDIS that River had come to love. When she wasn't fighting aliens or visiting faraway galaxies, she liked to spend time in the library, which was wall-to-wall bookshelves and comfortable lounges, reading lamps and the faint smell of swimming pool.

She was browsing the bookshelves, marvelling at how there were books on every and any topic. In fact, she was almost certain that every book ever written in the entire universe, since the dawn of time, was in here.

_That__'__s __one __of __the __advantages __of __having __a __TARDIS,_ she thought. _Infinite __space, __infinite __numbers __of __rooms. __It__'__s __a __huge __disadvantage __for __those __who__'__re __looking __for __a __book __but __don__'__t __know __which __one, __however._

She trailed her fingers along the spines of the books, glancing at the titles.

"Space Travel for the Aquatic Lifeform." she read. "Amusing, but perhaps not."

_How to Grow Planet-Sized Pumpkins…no…The Mysterious Lost Moon of Poosh…it's no mystery to me…A Thousand and One Things to Do in Negative Gravity…wait, what's this?_

One of the Doctor's blue notes was stuck between two books. She pulled it out.

"Now, dear, as one of the two remaining lifeforms that can read Gallifreyan, how about you learn to write properly?" it said. River could almost hear the Doctor's voice.

She sighed and, frowning slightly, pulled the book out.

_At __least __look __at __what __it __is, __River._ she told herself.

It was an ancient looking textbook. "Learning to Write Gallifreyan!" the title proclaimed in neat script. She flipped through the pages. There were little illustrations of famous Time Lords, even some of the heart-stoppingly beautiful Gallifrey.

_Well, __it__'__s __not __as __if __I __don__'__t __have __any __time__…_she thought. _And __if __it __stops __him __from being __so __smug..._

She settled down at a table with some paper, pencils and her textbook, and proceeded to set about learning to write like a 'proper' Time Lord. 

A few days later the Doctor was wandering through the library looking for a cookbook he _knew_ was in there._ Trouble is, I don't know where it is in here._ he thought.

He slumped down at a table, thinking, when he noticed the textbook he'd left for River sitting there with a new, pink note on the top.

"Oh, sweetie, what on Gallifrey made you think I need lessons?" the note said, in perfect elegant script.

The Doctor smiled to himself, tracing the symbols lightly.

_**Authors' Note Note:** As it's almost Christmas, there will be a special Christmas chapter uploaded soon!_

_Well, as soon as we write it!~_


	8. I Saw The Doctor Kissing Melody Claus

_**Authors****' ****Note: **Hello, Christmas chapter time! (or Smithmas chapter time!) Aagh, cheesy carol pun title.  
>Thanks for reading, hope you all have a great ChristmasNew Year! (There might be a 'Part 2!' to this story.)  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Don't own the characters, sob sob._

**Inopportune Moments**

**I Saw the Doctor Kissing Melody Claus**

"Doctor?" said River, one morning when the two of them were eating toast.

"Yes?" he said, not looking up. He'd found a cookie cutter that the TARDIS had put in one of the kitchen drawers, and had proceeded to cut his toast into little people.

"It's Christmas soon, you know."

The Doctor made a 'hmm' noise and continued to enact a battle between two toast figures.

"Doctor, I'm serious. Let's celebrate!" River said, smiling at the thought of tinsel…and all of the imaginative ways she could use it.

He stopped playing with his toast and bit one of the legs off. "Okay. Although, River, I don't…I mean, I'm not sure how to…you know?"

River didn't know.

He sighed. "I don't celebrate pagan human festivals."

She glared at him across the table. "Well, it may be a pagan human festival to you, but there's presents. And cake. And tinsel."

The Doctor dropped his toast.

"Tinsel?" he said, eyes brightening. "I love tinsel."

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, the Doctor having gone to get presents, River was decorating the TARDIS. She'd strung fairy lights everywhere, and there was as much tinsel as the TARDIS could handle (it was itchy, after all.). She'd even put a wreath on the front door.<p>

She was just tying the last bauble to their Christmas tree when the door burst open and the Doctor ran inside, snow-covered and nose bright pink.

"Don't look!" he said, running past River to secretly hide his presents. She smiled. He was so very, loveably, childish.

A few minutes later he returned, brushing snow off his bowtie. "Is that a Christmas tree?" he said, pinging the baubles playfully.

"Yes, sweetie." said River, taking one of his frozen hands in hers and rubbing it.

"There's no star. Aren't they supposed to have stars or angels or something on top?" he said. "On second thoughts, let's not have an Angel. But a star! That would be fantastic."

River looked daggers at him. "I was about to put one on, sweetie, when you came in with your freezing hands."

The Doctor smiled weakly under River's stare. "They are cold, aren't they? Oh, I'm getting feeling in my fingertips again! Yes!" he said, rubbing his hands together and breathing on them.

River turned around and picked up the gold star she was about to put on the top of the tree.

"Oh, River! When I said 'star', I meant it literally. None of these distractingly shiny plastic things. A proper star!" he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small, glowing ball. "A proper star, for a proper tree." he said, stretching up and putting it on the top of the tree, where it shone brightly.

As River admired the little sparkling star, the Doctor curled himself up, shivering and mumbling about how astonishingly cold he was. She looked at him, this brave 900 year old Time Lord, whimpering about a little snow.

"Oh, Doctor, next time you go outside when it's cold," she said, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close, "make sure you wear lots of layers."

"Why?" he said, voice muffled, as he'd buried his head in her collarbone. "So that I won't freeze like I currently am?"

"Well, yes. But, also," she said, lifting his head up and looking in his eyes, "just think of all the fun we could have taking it off, sweetie."

* * *

><p>Two days later, when River had decided it was Christmas Day, the Doctor hid his presents under their tree and put on a special bowtie, which had reindeer and candy canes on it. River was still asleep, curled up under the blankets.<p>

The Doctor had never celebrated 'Christmas' properly before, and he was excited.

_How __can __she __still __be __asleep?_ he thought. _I __can__'__t __sleep! __Well, __I __don__'__t __sleep __anyway, __but __still. __How __can __she __be __asleep?_

He sat on the edge of their bed, swinging his feet and staring at his little sleeping Time Lord.

_Maybe if I use telepathy? Wake up, wake up!_

Not surprisingly, it didn't work. The Doctor continued to stare, hoping that River's subconscious would be creeped out and wake,

River stirred.

The Doctor grinned, swinging his legs faster.

"Stop that." she said, sitting up sleepily and grabbing his legs. "I'm sleeping."

He tried to keep swinging his legs in order to get her out of bed, but she was surprisingly strong for someone who wasn't even properly awake.

"River, get up! Up!" he said, clapping his hands.

"Go away." said River, apparently unable to formulate complex sentences of more than 2 words.

"Come on! It's Christmas and there are presents! With a capital P!"

River groaned, sitting up properly and rubbing her eyes sleepily. "Fine, fine. You win. Let's go, Doctor." she said, swinging her legs out of bed and pulling on a jumper over her pyjamas.

The Doctor raced straight towards the tree, but River caught him by the suspenders and steered him in the direction of the kitchen.

"No, breakfast." she mumbled. "Need tea."

The Doctor sighed. The prospect of presents loomed ever further away.

Later, after he'd cooked River pancakes and tea, he grabbed her by the hand and tugged her to the Christmas tree.

"Presents!" he said, delightedly.

River smiled at him, and sat down. He gave her a box wrapped in paper covered with snowmen and a bright red ribbon. The small tag read "To River, my second-favourite Time Lord."

She started to pull the ribbon, grinning as he leaned closer, eager to see her reaction.

It was a rectangular box with her name carved in Circular Gallifreyan on the top. She traced the swirling pattern with her finger.

"I love it," she said, turning to him. "It's a beautiful box."

He blinked twice, then said, "But don't you want to see what's inside?"

She opened the lid carefully to find a new gun inside, wrapped in tinsel.

River squealed. "Oh, I thought the box was brilliant, but this! This, this is…amazing!" She leant over and kissed him.

The Doctor blushed.

_If she kisses me like that every time I buy her a gun, she's going to end up with a huge armoury._

"It's nothing." he said, smiling gently.

She twirled it around on her finger before pointing it at their darts board and pulling the trigger.

There was a loud 'pop!' and glitter confetti exploded everywhere. A long streamer loudly proclaiming 'Merry Christmas!' in gaudy letters shot across the room.

"I was expecting you to test it." shrugged the Doctor, as River turned to him and burst out laughing.

After River had stopped laughing enough that she could breathe normally, she kissed him again and shook glitter out of her hair. Not surprisingly, most of it stayed lodged there.

"Now for your present." she said, giving him a strangely shaped thing wrapped in paper, which was decorated with pictures of rabbits dancing in Santa hats.

He smiled at the paper before ripping it to shreds excitedly.

"My first Christmas present! Yay!" he said delightedly.

As he threw aside the paper fabric fell into his lap. He held up what looked like an elf outfit.

"River? I'm not sure I…what is this?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

River smiled coyly.

_Oh, __dear. _he thought. _Somehow __I __feel __I __may __have __to __wear __this. __How? __It__'__s __so__…__small__…_

"Sweetie, it's an elf outfit. You know?" she said, handing him the shoes and hat that had rolled away, unnoticed. "Put it on. I'll be right back."

She got up and disappeared down a corridor, leaving a very bewildered Doctor with his supposed 'outfit'. Somehow the word 'clothes' seemed to describe more fabric than was actually there.

He awkwardly held the costume up to himself, and frowning slightly unhappily he began to go about squeezing himself into it.

_I cannot work this out! Um, that looks like a leg? No, arm. Oh, here's the leg. These shorts are certainly very tight and…short…indeed. These are…shoes? I suppose so. Oh, only two. Ah, well. That's a hat! I know that._

A few minutes later River re-appeared. She was wearing a very small Santa outfit. The Doctor, who had managed to slip into his elf outfit, was standing self-consciously covering as much of himself as he could with his arms.

River smiled.

_That __smile,_ he thought. _I __know __what __that __smile __means__…__but __I __just __spent __10 __minutes __putting __this __darn __outfit __on!_

River walked over and flicked the bell on his green hat.

"You know, sweetie, I quite like this on you." she said, taking his shoulders and spinning him around.

The Doctor, slightly unsure of what was happening, said nothing. He was finding it hard to breathe in the tiny top.

"Well?" she said, putting her hands on her hips and spinning around.

_That really is a very, very small outfit indeed. Did she apply a shrink ray to these or what?_

Finding himself unable to speak, he pulled her close and kissed her.

She smiled again, and whispered in his ear, "You really are very keen to get that off, aren't you?"

The Doctor nodded. "I can't breathe properly, dear." he rasped back.

"Well," said River, stepping back, "We'll just have to fix that, won't we?"


	9. A Custard Carol

_**Authors' Note:** Hello, happy Christmas/New Year! This is the second part to our Christmas chapter. Hope you like it! Thanks for reading!_

**Inopportune Moments**

A Custard Carol

The air was cold and snow crunched under their feet as the Doctor and River made their way across the lawn to the house.

"It's cold!" shivered the Doctor.

River rolled her eyes. "That's why I told you to land _inside_, dear."

"I still wish you would have just let me take off this elf costume, River," he complained as she tugged him through the snow, "It's cold and very tight."

After they had made it inside, and the Doctor had succeeded in getting snow all over the Ponds' rug, Amy rushed over and hugged them.

"It's so good to see you!" she said, stepping back and smiling. "And such good timing too!"

For it was Christmas Day, after all. The room was covered with tinsel and decorations, and the tree sitting in the corner was decorated to within an inch of its life.

Of course, Amy wasn't looking at the decorations when the Doctor was standing in front of her wearing an elf outfit. She looked at River, then at the Doctor, then at River again. "You know what?" she said. "I'm not even going to ask."

They'd been sitting around for a while having tea and getting up-to-date on where they were in each other's timelines when Rory decided he was going to help the unfortunate Doctor.

"I've got some pants you can borrow, Doctor." he ventured cautiously.

The Doctor smiled thankfully and, putting down his cup, made to stand up.

River pulled him back down again. "Sweetie, you can't wear my father's pants."

"But, River, I'm a thousand-year-old Time Lord! I can't sit around in this ridiculous outfit all day! One of my hearts is going to become surplus, as there's not enough air getting into my body!" he trailed off, as River fixed him with a stare.

"You said I only had to wear it once." he grumbled and leant back in his chair. The outfit restricted his movements however, so all he managed was a kind of ridiculous spasm, before having to sit up straight again. He sighed as deeply as he could.

River smiled at him. He was so childish. "Go on then, if you don't think it's weird, wearing your father-in-law's clothes. Go get dressed."

The Doctor got up as gracefully as his 'outfit' would allow and raced in the direction of the nearest closet.

River had just finished helping Amy clean up the dishes when the Doctor bounded into the room, wearing Rory's two-sizes-too-small jeans and a T-shirt with a large picture of a sloth on the front.

"Better, dear?" said River. _Not that there are any clothes here that could look better on him…although those pants are decently indecently tight, if I do say so myself._

"Yup. Let's present!" he said, having gotten the hang of Christmas, and now eager to try his unwrapping skills again.

He leaped onto the Ponds' couch, patting a cushion next to him. "Come on, River, I can't wait to see their faces!"

River obliged, sitting slightly close to the Doctor than he felt was necessary. _After all, these pants are quite revealing._

Amy and Rory settled themselves across from them, smiling at their daughter and her Doctor.

"Me first!" said the Doctor, jumping up excitedly. "Let me hand them out!"

He pulled several packages out from under the tree and distributed them accordingly. He then reached under the tree again and pulled a large rectangular package out. Placing it gently at his feet, he set about ripping off the paper of his presents.

River had given Rory and Amy (but particularly Amy) a large bottle of what was presumably alcohol.

"River, sweetie, what is this exactly?" said Amy, squinting at the label, which was written in alien script.

"Champagne, basically. Very very very _very _expensive champagne. It was quite tricky to ste-I mean, get a hold of."

Amy looked at River disapprovingly. "River, you're in prison. How on anywhere did you manage to _steal_ a priceless bottle of champagne?"

River just smiled and said nothing.

Rory had just unwrapped a bundle of socks. "Um, okay." he said, flipping through the pairs. "Harry Potter socks. Neat."

He looked at the Doctor questioningly, who grinned and rubbed his hands together. "From the year 3 million, Rory! Nobody on Earth-well, chances are there's nobody on Earth-has got the same socks as you!"

"Hmm." Rory said, still examining the socks.

Amy gave River a jumper. "A jumper?" she said, holding it up to herself. It was TARDIS-blue and had a huge 'R' on the front, in golden thread.

Amy smiled. "It took me ages to make. When you were sleeping, I had to sneak in and measure up your other jumpers. But it should fit."

River grinned and pulled the jumper on. It was quite warm and one arm was slightly longer than the other, but she loved it anyway.

The Doctor had been given a new bowtie, which was custard-yellow and patterned with fish wearing top hats, monocles and bowties.

He looked delighted and put it on, even though the T-shirt didn't have a collar. "Ha! Brilliant! I love it!" he said, angling his head so he could see it.

"It kind of reminded me of you," said Amy. Rory nodded, smiling.

When all the other presents were unwrapped, the Doctor pulled out the rectangular parcel and handed it to Rory and Amy, smiling excitedly. Giving the presents was almost as fun as getting them, he'd discovered. He sat back into the couch and River wrapped her arm around him.

Amy and Rory gently unwrapped a painting. Not just any painting, it was a huge canvas portrait of Amy, Rory, River and the Doctor.

Whilst Amy was taken at looking at the details, Rory tapped her on the arm and pointed to a corner of the painting.

"Is that…do you think?" he muttered. Amy's eyebrows jumped skywards and her jaw dropped.

"You did not get Leonardo da Vinci to do a 'family portrait' for our Christmas present." she said.

The Doctor shrugged, grinning. "He owed me a favour," he said, winking at River. "This just about covers it, don't you think?"

Amy was in the living room with River, hanging their new portrait.

The Doctor was in the kitchen with Rory, who was cooking their Christmas dinner.

"There's a lot of crashing and banging coming from in there," said the Doctor, looking at Rory, who was setting the oven timer.

He shrugged. "When my wife and daughter are in the same room there tends to be a lot of noise."

The Doctor nodded, and crossing his arms, leant against the fridge. "So, Mr Pond, how long is this turkey going to take until we can eat it?" he said tapping his fingers.

"Oh, a couple of hours. Move over," he gestured, holding the bottle of Amy's champagne. "I need to get to the fridge."

"But that's so long! Can't we eat sooner?" said the Doctor moving over obligingly.

Rory rolled his eyes. _He's so childish._

"No, we need to let it cook slowly, so it cooks all the way through." Rory said, as though explaining to a child.

The Doctor stared at the oven, hand wandering to the pocket containing his sonic screwdriver. "But surely we could-"

"No." said Rory firmly, staring at the Doctor, who stared back. "If I mess it up, both of those women will kill me."

He sighed, as the Doctor looked at the oven again.

"Oh, come on, Rory! Only a little bit, I think…point and think, you know, it'll be fine!" he said, clapping Rory on the shoulder. "At least I think it'll be fine. Should be, probably. Definitely."

Rory made an 'if-you-must' gesture. "Fine. But, if anything goes wrong, I'll have you know that I'm taking my clothes back."

The Doctor nodded at him, and pointed the sonic at the oven.

Amy and River were standing back admiring the painting when there was a 'puff!' noise in the kitchen, and smoke tendrils crept their way out of the door.

"If Rory let him anywhere near the Christmas dinner, I'll kill them both!" said Amy, beckoning for River to follow her into the kitchen.

In the kitchen stood a very bashful Rory and the Doctor, both covered in oven soot.

"Oh, hello." said the Doctor, clapping his hands together to rid them of the powdery oven remains. "You may want to consider a new oven. It could be quite a good idea indeed."

Amy and River were staring at him, both with hands on their hips. _They look remarkably alike, _he thought. _Like mother, like daughter. At least, I hope so. Two Rivers would be quite a handful indeed._

"Okay, well, you two, I hope you're happy. You've ruined Christmas dinner. Now how exactly can you explain the hole in the wall where our oven is supposed to be?" said Amy, crossing her arms.

Rory spoke from the 'hole', where he was inspecting the wall. "The wall's alright, actually. We can just clean the oven dust off."

The Doctor nodded. "Well, Rory said that dinner was going to be a few hours, and well, who wants to wait a few hours for dinner on Christmas? So I applied a little sonic magic, and it appears that your oven has some kind of grudge against sonic screwdrivers, jealousy perhaps," he trailed off as River fixed him with a stare he didn't like at all. That was a punishment stare. "But that's beside the point. And your oven kind of disintegrated."

"It was pretty cool." added Rory from the ground.

The Doctor nodded. "There you have it. Well, at least I know several oven-free things that are quick to make and pretty tasty too, if I don't say so myself. Several hundred years of time travel have taught me nothing if not how to make a good meal out of nothing."

As he spoke he was rummaging in the Ponds' freezer.

"Aha!" he said, pulling out a box of fish fingers and handing them to River, who rolled her eyes.

"Sweetie, don't we need custard for these?" she said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Mmm…" he said, burying his head in the fridge. "Rory, you're the Keeper of the Kitchen around here. I ask you, sir, what is a kitchen fridge without custard?" he asked, leaning against the fridge door and fixing the unfortunate Rory with a stare not dissimilar to River's.

"Well, last time you were here you took it all. I'll just pop down to the petrol station and get some," said Rory as he left the room. "I'll be back in a bit!" he called from the hallway.

As the front door shut, River and Amy stared at the Doctor.

"I'll just…help you clean up then, won't I?"

In half an hour Rory was back, the fish fingers were spinning around in the microwave oven and River was pouring custard into bowls.

"Hey, you gave Rory more than me!" said the Doctor, who was hovering around anxiously. He kept switching his decision about which bowl was his.

"No, I didn't. Now go and put cutlery on the table, or at least pretend to be doing something useful." said River, not looking up from pouring, and shooing him away with one of her hands.

After a reasonably filling, strangely delicious meal of fish fingers and custard, the Doctor stretched back in his chair. "Well, Ponds, I'm going to go change in the TARDIS. Be back soon," he said, turning as he walked to the door and pointing at River. "Don't you dare follow me."

Amy and Rory gave River strange looks. She smiled nonchalantly at them.

Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor was not surprised when a few minutes later he heard the TARDIS door open.

Since when was River one to follow the rules?


End file.
